WHIZZZZZ! BANG! POP! ZOOM! Forgive me for capitalizing RANDOM words, but VICTOR WEMBANYAMA actually deserves every bit of SENSATIONALIZATION because he’s INCREDIBLE. The rookie PHENOM put on a show in the Spurs 126-122 overtime win against the Houston Rockets, and did things NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN NATURE.

OMG! 🤯🤯🤯 He’s going to be a PROBLEM for a long TIME. Vic put ’em on a POSTER with this next FACIAL!

BRO! Am I doing IT right? Because Wemby is! 💀💀💀 How about this GAME-TYING BUCKET to force some FREE BASKETBALL?

Did I mention he plays DEFENSE too? Here are TWO MASSIVE DENIALS in the SAME POSSESSION!

For his NEXT ACT, it was time to TAKE AN ALLEY OOP AWAY FROM HIS OWN TEAMMATE! Jeremy Sochan, SACRIFICE YOURSELF for the sake of the FANS!

WOOOOO! WEM-BY! WEM-BY! WEM-BY! In all seriousness, Wembanyama deserves the HYPERBOLE treatment that sports media outlets use to sell ROUTINE dunks and goals. CONNOR BEDARD’S first goal for the CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS was described as ELECTRIFYING, but it was a little mischievous WRAPAROUND that we’ve seen time and again in the NHL. (Not saying BEDARD is BAD. He’s going to be F*CKING FANTASTIC, yet don’t give me PROSECCO and tell me it’s CHAMPAGNE!)

But Wembanyama? The dude is INSANE. Seriously, he’s 7-FOOT-4 and finishing REVERSE LOBS in transition. If THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET CLICKS, I’ll do it, but it has to be a talent on the level of ELLY DE LA CRUZ, or SHOHEI OHTANI!

There’s something about the NBA — maybe it’s a LACK OF DEFENSE or PLAYER EMPOWERMENT — but certain players just TRANSITION to the league better than others and BIG VIC is taking to it like a FISH TO A PERFECTLY MAINTAINED AQUARIUM. While I was a little HESITANT at first, and to a degree I STILL AM, Wembanyama looked so unconventional next to non-NBA players in FRANCE last year that I thought he’d get EATEN ALIVE by THICC NBA BIG MEN.

Nope, he’s a PERFECT FIT. There’s enough SPACE for him to OPERATE FREELY so he can do all that GUARD SH*T and get away with BRINGING THE BALL THAT LOW. Sorry, I’m giving myself a headache with the all-caps stuff.

On a related note, eventually, readers are going to stop clicking every time a headline writer cries mind-blowing highlight. That’s too bad because some instances call for memes, and often spark their own. Actually, that’s not a bad new rule: If a play isn’t immediately recognizable or aggregatable, don’t capitalize anything.

People are growing cynical enough as it is, and will soon become so numb that the filthiest of top plays fail to elicit emotion. Fans ask for the objective truth — that’s it. But if the montage gods don’t value their devout followers, at least do it for Wemby. Please?